Makes Me Wonder (But not in a Maroon Five or Kenny Chesney sort of way)

Overwhelmed. That is how I feel at times. Not to the point of depression (although my dad and I have discussed how depression has been a part of our family for generations) I don't think, but then again denial is usually first the sign that you have something. :-)

And . . . I do believe that depression is real and it is more of a "fix" than most believers will say. I do grow a little weary and annoyed at people who say, "just pray about it; spend more time in Scripture; etc. and everything will work out okay." Sounds good and all but I believe depression is more than just a "spiritual fix". There are too many physiological issues going on inside of us. I know that we don't tell cancer sufferers to just spend more time in the Bible and prayer and that cancer will go away, so I am not sure why we thing depression is less than a similar type of illness or challenge. (Enough rant on that.)

I know Jesus drew away from the crowds. I know he suffered and needed to be alone with the Father and because of His example, I know that is something I need to do as well. I enjoy being around people and I enjoy being away from people. Not because I don't like people, but because sometimes being around people is overwhelming. I think that is one reason I have enjoyed running and now triathlons is because it gives me some alone time. I have spent many hours on foot; in the water; and on a bike just enjoying being alone. And, I enjoy the time alone to pray and wrestle some things out with God. I have been known to do some of these things out loud while exercising: singing, praying, praising and even hollering at God. I have laughed and cried many times and have been angry and sad too while exercising.

I have wondered many times about many different things. Most of the time I wonder about my own worthiness. Have I done enough? Am I doing enough? Should I spend time swimming, riding and running when I could be ministering more? Should I spend money on things? Should I go on this trip? Should I be more intentional about this or that?

Am I doing enough? When will I ever stop struggling with the same sinful thoughts? When will I truly love my enemies (or even some folks that I don't put at enemy status, but I just don't like 'em.)

For many years I have thought about these things and I have learned that it is not based upon what I do or what I have done, but based upon what Christ has already done. I am thankful for this reminder mostly recently shared this past weekend as we celebrated Easter. It is hard to unlearn some patterns of thinking. In fact, I can't on my own, and thankfully I don't have to do it on my own. It just involves surrender. And for me, its seems like constant surrender many times a day.

I don't have to wonder if He really loves me, but I can easily fall into that trap of "am I doing enough, that He would love me?" My prayer continues to be, "Lord, teach me to surrender to you completely."